Today’s little rant is courtesy of the Thursday, April 19, 2012 printing of the Dear Abby Column in which SILENCE, PLEASE writes:
I attend a church with about 350 worshipers. The church provides a supervised nursery for infants to 2 years of age. Most parents with babies use it. However, one couple has a 2-year-old child and a 2-month-old baby. These parents do not take advantage of the nursery, but keep the kids in the sanctuary. Last Sunday the baby, who was in the father’s arms, cried during most of the service. The parents may be able to turn it out, but many of us were very distracted by the wailing. The father is a school teacher. I couldn’t help but wonder how this teacher would handle a student who caused such a disruption in his classroom. I don’t think he would tolerate an hour of loud crying from anyone. Why don’t these people understand their behavior prevents others from worshiping as they would like?
Jesus is considered by scholars such as Weber to be an example of a charismatic religious leader. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
You’re fucking kidding; right?
Not all is as terrible as it seems though. At least after reading this mouth firmly on the tit discourse, I have been able to come up with yet another addition to the Book of Mike. The new addition is a rewrite of the beginning of the Sermon on the Mount found in Matthew Chapter 5.
- Now when Jesus saw the crowds, he went up on a mountainside and sat down. His disciples came to him
- and he began to teach them. He said:
- “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
- Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
- Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth.
- Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled.
- Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy.
- Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.
- Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.
- Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
- HEY! Can somebody shut that god damn kid up!! Thanks!
- Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.
- Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.”
So let me tear apart the letter to make a few points.
A toddler girl crying (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I attend a church with 350 worshipers. Translation: Look how important I am. Reality: It’s probably already pretty fucking noisy to begin with. I mean after all, who wants to hear a baby crying while the house rock band plays their rendition of MercyMe.
Most parents with babies use it. Translation: There is no translation. Reality: This is simply an embellishment without substance that supports the whining. This person is probably a very well-practiced proof texter.
These parents don’t take advantage of the nursery. Translation: These parents are not following the rules. Reality: They don’t have to.
Many of us are distracted by the wailing. Translation: (1) This person is really the only one bothered and this is an embellishment or (2), they probably have a small group that gets together in the middle of the week and prays about everything that is wrong. Reality: Most of the congregation probably doesn’t really care. At least we know she’s not Pentecostal where of course, wailing is an acceptable practice and the baby would be glorified for the presence of the Holy Spirit.
I would just like to remind SILENCE, PLEASE what Jesus had to say about children even after having been rebuked by his disciples (you know, kind of like what you’re doing right now)
“Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.”
With an attitude like yours, it clearly doesn’t belong to you nor have you figured any of this shit out yet!
This was Abby’s answer:
“That’s a good question, and one I recommend you pose to the person who was conducting he service. Out of consideration for the congregation, he or she should “remind” the parents that the nursery is available, and stress that in the future it be used to prevent the problem from recurring because the disruption cause “so many complaints”.
Very well done Abby. I especially like your placement of the quotation marks. You were clearly telling SILENCE PLEASE what a fucking whiner she was and I applaud you for your discreet chastisement. It’s probably a good thing that I don’t write an advice column. My answer would have gone something like this:
DEAR SILENCE PLEASE: The only reason that I have printed your letter today was to help bolster my philosophy that the largest problem with Christianity is that it is full of Christians. Fucking get over yourself. I am absolutely positive that there is someone within two rows of you who can’t stand your attitude, your perfume and even the fact that they have to reposition themselves to see around your fucking hair bun. One more thing, that old-person snoring sound you make when you take a breath while singing a hymn has made the little 9-year-old girl in front of you throw up on several occasions. The only reason you don’t know about it is because her parents aren’t self-righteous whiny assholes like you. Here’s a very simple solution for you;
SIT SOMEWHERE ELSE